Self Destruction
by Ethereal Prey
Summary: People ask me if I know Klaus Mikaelson, let me tell you what I know about him. Fight Club inspired. One shot. AH/AU


AN: A one shot that came to me when Fight Club was on last night. No beta. Be amused. See you at the bottom

* * *

People are always asking me if I know Klaus Mikaelson. Because Klaus was the person everyone wanted to be, but was just too afraid. I met him by chance. I was stuck at this meaningless job, where all I did was follow orders, go from one place to another, I lived in my single serving sized condo, with my minimalist Swedish furniture that I didn't need, doing exactly what everyone wanted of me. And then I met Klaus.

Let me tell you about Klaus. Klaus was a night person. While everyone else was sleeping, he was working. He had several part time jobs. I wondered if he was an insomniac like me. When you have insomnia, you're never asleep, and you're never really awake. Nothing's real, everything's far away, everything is a copy of a copy of a copy.

Klaus worked as a waiter, putting his own special sauce into the soup and sauces. He made soap from the fat he stole from the liposuction bags. Yes, soap is made from fat, and what better fat than human fat? He used to sell it in those upscale expensive boutiques. He'd sell these women their fat faces back to them. But Klaus didn't care, Klaus did things because he wanted to, there was nothing holding him back, which is why everyone wanted to know him.

But then she came into our lives. Blonde, blue eyed, and beautiful. She was the wedge between us. She was frustrating, and stubborn and most of all she had Klaus's attention. The way he said her name, with his British accent, made her putty in his hands. He could have done anything to her and she wouldn't say a word. She'd let him. And I'd hear it. Slowly I saw Klaus disappear into his room with her, and I was left alone.

Klaus was building an army. Why was Klaus building an army? To what purpose? To what greater good? It was in Klaus we trusted. He had followers that did what he wanted. They followed him, they worshiped him. And I was cast into the shadows behind him. First it was Caroline, now it was his army of minions that were out destroying corporate art and over priced coffee shops. What was my purpose now?

* * *

And one day Klaus was gone. His army was gone and I wondered if it would be the last I would ever see of him. Perhaps it was for the best. Perhaps I was only meant to know Klaus for a short while. Or perhaps my obsession with him drove me to follow him across the country. Klaus had apparently been everywhere. His ticket stubs showed that he was in every major city. For what? I don't know. From each city I traveled I could see Klaus's influence. I could tell he was there, but it was a strange sense of deja vu for me. Had I been here with him? Why did it seem familiar to me? It wasn't until I found myself in a hotel room in a strange yet familiar city that it started to make sense. I realized I had Klaus's phone on me. But why would I have Klaus's phone? I tried to unlock it, and I saw all these pictures of Caroline, naked, engaged in lewd acts that I couldn't process. And then I saw it. There was a picture of me with her, naked. I called her immediately.

"What?" Caroline answered annoyed

"Caroline, can you tell me if we've ever done it"

"Done what? And why are you talking weird?"

"It! Have we ever had sex?"

"What? Is this one of those things where you're trying to know the difference between fucking and making love? Cause if it is, then you've-"

"Caroline! Have we made love?"

"No, we fucked, violently at times, against the wall, on the floor even though you have a bed, then you did that thing with the rubber glove and-"

"We had sex?!"

"Yes! Did you forget? I swear I haven't been fucked like that since grade school! God you call me, then snub me, then you fuck me and then you hate me and want me to leave, you're all nice to me and love me, then you make me come over where you fuck me again and then treat me like crap!"

"How is this possible?"

"You should know how your own damn dick works Klaus!"

"Wait what? What did you call me!? Say my name, tell me what my name is"

"Oh god, this again? Klaus Mikaelson, Klaus! What the hell is wrong with you? I'm coming over"

"No! Don't! I'm not there!"

Caroline hung up and I was alone in the room.

"I told you not to talk about me to her!" Klaus said

I turned and saw Klaus sitting there. All his British suave oozing out of him as he sat across from me.

"why do people think I'm you?" I asked

"You know the answer to that"

"No I don't"

"Yes you do. Why would people confuse me with you?"

"I don't know"

"Yes you do, just think about it"

"No"

"You've got it"

"No.."

"Say it"

"Because we're the same person"

"That's right"

"I don't understand…."

"You wanted to change your life mate, You couldn't do it on your own. So all the things you wish you could be, well that's me. I look like how you want to look, I fuck how you want to fuck, I am smart, capable and most importantly, I am free in all the ways you are not"

"No, this isn't possible, this isn't happening!"

"People do it everything, they talk to themselves, they see themselves how they want to be. They just don't have the courage to run with it"

I swallow thickly and try to process what Klaus has just told me, rather Klaus is me and I'm him, so I'm talking to myself now.

"You still wrestle with it, sometimes you're still you. Other times you imagine that you're watching me" Klaus says

I look up at him, wondering if I'm really that crazy. If I'm really that far gone.

"But little by little, you're letting yourself become more and more like me, Klaus"

This was too much for me to process to handle. I didn't know what to do, or even how to breathe. And then this is called the changeover, where the movie or story goes on but the audience has no idea what's going on.

* * *

I wake up, not sure where I am. All I know is that I have to get back to Caroline before Klaus does anything. I fly back and run to Klaus's house. It's empty and his army is gone. I need to find her, before Klaus does anything else to her.

Which leads me up to this point where Klaus is pointing a gun in my mouth.

"It really didn't have to come to this. I know you care for her, but she can't be a part of this. I have my army now, I don't need her" Klaus said

I struggle to say something. He pulls the gun out from my mouth.

"Just let her go, she doesn't have to get hurt" I plead with him

"Too late, she knows too much, and she's a liability. She makes you weak, she makes us weak, and we cannot be weak. I have plans"

"Then just let her go. Send her away. Do that asshole thing to her, and she'll leave."

"Yes but you'll always be pining away for me, making me want her"

"If you let her go, then I won't fight you, you can take over. You can do whatever, I don't care, just let her go, I promise"

"Interesting offer"

* * *

Caroline was being dragged into the room where she saw Klaus standing there holding a gun.

"What the hell?! Are you completely insane!" Caroline screamed

Klaus walked closer to her, and motioned for his men to leave. There was a huge gash on his face that was bleeding.

"What the hell happened to your face?" Caroline asked

"I did it to myself" Klaus said

"Are you ok? You're bleeding"

"I'm fine love"

"You are the worst thing to ever happen to me"

"You met me at a very strange point in my life"

"Are you going to fuck me on the floor and then kick me out?"

"No love, I've realized that I care about you, more than I should. Let me make it up to you"

"Yeah right. I may be blonde but I'm not stupid"

There was a loud explosion and they both looked out the windows at the buildings around them collapsing. Caroline jumped at the loud noise.

"I have to leave the country now, would you like to join me? I could show you the world as I promised. Paris, Rome, Tokyo"

"Are you serious?"

"Dead serious love, come with me"

Caroline placed her hand into his.

"I know I'm going to regret this" Caroline said

"You won't, because Klaus Mikaelson never breaks a promise"

* * *

hope you were amused. I haven't felt any inspiration on any of my other stories lately, so hence no updates, but just give me some time. yes they will be updated...eventually.


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